Developing Inner Self Discipline Workshop Agenda

Developing Inner Self Discipline 

Workshop Agenda

The following information was the "bare bones" idea of a workshop I gave at the Boyd School on this topic. All ideas that help the children grow are worth sharing.  

I hope that you can use it and have it ripple through your community for the benefit of your children.  

If you do decide it has value and use any or all part of it please stick my name somewhere on the paperwork just to be remembered.     Except for the quotes at the end, this workshop is based on my years as an educator.   Contact me with any questions.  Gail Moore (gailmoore@gmail.com)  

I followed this sequence of events:

Action: Set up a question box/chart/basket prior to the meeting.

Have participants come up and post questions as they think about it. 

Read the Poem:  If you can remember…by Marti King for the Montessori Foundation:

If You Can Remember by Marti King

If you can remember that it takes three of my steps to equal one of yours;

If you understand that I must view life at an eye level three feet below yours;

If you can touch my life with your faith, without taking away my need for self-determination;

Then I can grow, learn, and become.

~ ~ ~

If you can remember that it takes time for me to gain the experience in living you have already had;

If you can understand that I can only relate to those things, which have meaning on my levels of maturity;

If you can let me take a step of independence when I can, instead of thrusting me out or pulling me back;

If you can touch my life with your hope, without destroying my sense of reality;

Then I can grow, learn and become.

~ ~ ~

If you can remember that it takes courage for me to try again after failure, just like you;

If you can let me find my own path when I want, instead of choosing for me the way you think I should go;

If you can touch my life with your love, without taking away the space I need to breathe;

Then I can grow, learn and become.

~ ~ ~

Marti King For The Montessori Foundation

   Welcome and Introduction: 

• This is a discussion not a lecture.
•  Write down your questions and put them into the question box.  We will answer as many as possible at the end. 
• We want to put together a “tool box”  of techniques for you to utilize as you need  them

First Tool:    Create Basic Ground Rules of Class - A tool that helps children to own the rules

·    Create the rules with the children present.  (Circle time is a great opportunity.  This investment of self helps the child understand and follow the rules

·    Rules are at a maximum of five simple statements or one word rules that are easy to explain and follow.

·      Too many rules then the children get confused.  Some simple ideas and suggestions might include words like:  

·      cooperate,

·      respect,

·      walk,

·      Whisper

                            ·      Etc.
·   Review these basic rules often to help the children remember their important task
·  Remember that some children need many reminders and suggestions.   

·    Adults who enter the classroom need to follow the same rules and model the expected behaviors.

·   Children watch adults closely and pattern the behaviors they see.  The  old adage ‘do as I say not as I do” really doesn’t work for children who want to do it just like you do.

        

Choose your Battles Wisely and Use Redirection whenever possible.

• Engage the child in meaningful work.  (follow the needs and interests of the child)
• Another old adage says, “Mischief makes work for idle hands"  The work has to be important to the child.
• A child who is focused and interested will want to work.
• Child who cannot focus will need redirection to find their own work.    Sometimes having the child be your friend and observing others at work will help them decide on their own.  

 Buzz Group:   5 - 10 minutes (set timer) 
connect with three people you don't know and ask for their ideas on a redirection statements that are positive and encouraging.  ( let me help you…, Can I show you again…, etc.)  Compile a list of those statements to share

Using Limited Choice:

• By making a quick assessment of what is happening can help an adult create options for the child before offering a limited choice:
• For example:   if a child is crying and won’t cooperate by putting on their shoes the limited choices might be:
·  Waiting until the child is ready to put them on, patience and consistent positive encouragement is needed for this to be effective
·   Putting them on for the child (which takes away the opportunity for the child to be independent and self sufficient)
·    Allowing the child to carry their shoes until they are ready to put them on (natural logical consequences)
·    Putting the shoes on together.  You put one on and the child puts the other on….team work or the child puts them on and you do the tying.
·   Discussing what the problem is with the shoes to see if it can be easily resolved by switching to a different pair of shoes.
·   Make the statement:  “you can either                          or                               .  What will you do?   I can make the choice for you but I would like for you to have the chance to decide for yourself.
• Make the choices small, real  and attainable to the child
• Help children decide what best option is.  
• Giving a limited choice teaches good decisions

Stay Calm and use Patience: 
Patience becomes a magic key to observing, analyzing and deciding what options are available.  
-Children need time to work through their issues.   Often time is difficult to provide due to circumstances at the moment.  
-It is important to let children process their own decisions because this is an important step toward self discipline. 
-Adults have the tendency to view children’s issues as small but to the individual child that issue is huge. 
-Give the child the gift of your patience and your time and  you will find that anything can be worked out together.    

Buzz Group:   5 - 10 minutes (set timer)   
Find a someone you haven’t met.  Discuss the things that you generally rush a child through.   What can you do differently or more slowly that will help a child by giving them more time to be successful?  Share responses

Discussion: Natural Logical Consequences:

• PLEASE NOTE:  the safety of the child is always ensured by the proximity and the attention of the adult.
• Definition  of Natural Logical Consequences:   Are those things that will happen naturally after any give action.  ex:  If you put your hand under water it gets wet or touching a hot stove burns the skin
• Humans learn a great deal from these types of life experiences.
• Mistakes are the result of Natural Logical Consequences with a certain course of action  resulting in a consequence.
• Those consequences can have a positive, neutral or negative  result for the child.
• Incorporating logical natural consequences into our limited choices for the child allows the child to benefit from the results even if the results are somewhat negative.
•   At school if one child hurts another we have them both go inside to care for the injured child.  We try to have the child who did the injury to help their friend feel better. 
• Adult attention is mostly centered on the injured child.
•  The natural logical consequence of the is if the child who was hurt has to miss playtime the child who did the hurting has to miss it as well until both can play again and be friends.
• I always ask a child (victim of aggression), Is it your body that hurts or your heart/feelings that hurts?  Once a response is given I have the child who was the aggressor ask the child who was hurt, "What can I do to help your feel better?"  It is amazing to me the different responses I have heard.

Work vs. Play:

A definition of work: 1:  an activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something:  sustained physical or mental effort to overcome obstacles and achieve an objective or result. 

A definition of play:  play - play by children that is guided more by imagination than by fixed rules; "Freud believed in the utility of play to a small child play - utilization or exercise. 

• Children love to do real work.  The line becomes blurred between these two words as children begin their journey through their development.
• Playtime in the adult view is often the same as work time for the child.  Children want what they do to be important and meaningful. 
•  Maria Montessori believed that a child’s work is to build the best human being they can.  
•  Children develop their sense of focus and task completion as they work. 
• Not interrupting a child’s focus while at work helps  the development of inner self discipline
• Task completion also 

Communications:

·      Communications are core of every  human interaction

o   verbal, nonverbal interaction,         words,tone, facial expression,                   eye contact, physical positioning of the body. 

o   All of these factors are equally important in getting our ideas and thoughts across to each other.

o     Consistency is one of the important keys for communications being heard and understood  

§  Consistency of words and actions, tone of voice, facial expression and the words all have to be in place in order for understanding to happen.

Child communications:

·      Back talk – a control issue to get what they want

·      Stay calm, listen once make sure your voice is calm

·      Make a positive statement of acknowledgement

·      Let them k now that you will not argue w/them

·      what to do next

o   look at tone of voice,

o    the child’s level of upset,

o    the child’s ability to reason or rationalize,

o    parents level of emotional calmness while dealing with the event.

• Tone of voice can be a non-verbal communication tool that can aid or get in the way of positive interactions.
•  When a child is using argumentative or back talk techniques to communicate it is the adult’s responsibility to address the child in very quiet calm tones. 
•  remind the child of the ground rules of the classroom or the home.  
• Children have to learn that rules are not going to change at a moments notice just because they are arguing
• It is helpful to wait till both the child and the parents is calm before trying to talk or make decisions
• Let the child know that you as a (parent, teacher or adult) care that they feel badly and that they are upset but remind them that while they are (crying, in a tantrum, screaming, kicking) that they can’t hear you and you can’t hear them.
• you will wait for them to calm themselves before you can help them feel better. 
• Explosive child: try to isolate the child so that they have the privacy needed to gain control.  Time will always allow a child to reflect and let go of some of the feelings that might be causing the escalation of emotion.

Respect:

• Respect is an important part of communication.
•  It is something that all people of all ages need from each other. 
• Children have those needs just the same as adults.
• Feelings that are acknowledged by others help humans identify both problems and solutions.
•  When a child says no it is important that we respect their choice.
•   It is important to make statements when you definitely need a child to do an activity.
• It is important to ask a question when the child truly has a choice in the matter.

 

Routine:

o   Children need routine that they can count on. 

o   routine provides a child with a frame work to build their day on.   

o   worried or frightened about what is unexpected or unknown.

o   Children find security and peace in what is familiar and well known.

o    Maria Montessori said once, “The child’s work is to build the best human being they can be.”  Children build their strong foundations from a normal daily routine.  Changes in routine for children need to be handled carefully by letting the child know in advance what is going to happen.

External rewards and punishments vs. internal self control:

• Children need to take ownership for their actions.
• Adults need to help children take responsibility by allowing the child the dignity to make a mistake.
• Rewards and punishments are external controls. 
• These external controls generally teach the child to manipulate the situation so that they can receive the rewards. 
• Sometimes punishment is the reward that children look for because it reinforces their negative self-concept.
• If a child can lean the internal control and take ownership for their choices they become responsible, caring citizens who are capable of using freedom wisely. 
• A child with a sense of responsibility is the basis for inner discipline. 
• A child needs to feel safe in order for him/her to take full responsibility for what they have done.  
• Threats toward the child only teach the child how to use control and aggression against others.

• Children do not act out and try to do things to us personally.

• Children are responding to their own internal needs and past experiences.

• If adults take children’s actions personally and escalate the event it causes a reinforcement of the child’s behavior pattern, negative self perception or repetition of the behavior on a larger scale later. 

• When adults can model a different method of responding to behaviors by choosing to stay calm and centered, the child is allowed an opportunity to make a different and more positive choice.    

•  By not rewarding negative behaviors with lots of attention (either negative or positive) the child can not control situations.  Simple statements like: “I see you need time to think about me?” what you need now”.  “I can see you are angry.  Shall I sit with you until you can talk? Respect a child who says no to you.

• Don’t let your personal issues as a parent, teacher or assistant become part of the child’s problem.

•  Let the child work through his/her own problems whenever possible.

•   If other children are in danger simply give the angry child space for privacy and thinking time.  This removes attention from the child who is having difficulty. 

• Attention for negative behavior accentuates, multiplies or intensifies a problem or an issue. 

•  Acceptance of the dignity of the human soul even at its worst moment is a challenge for every child caregiver. 

• This kind of acceptance can change a child’s negative patterns of behaviors.  Consistency, respect, follow- through and understanding all will help a child to cope with the issues he/she faces.

We live very close together.  So our prime purpose in this life is to help others.  And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.

Dalai Lama

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but there echoes are truly endless

Mother Teresa

You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot by force.          Publilius Syrus

What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others.

Confucius

Communications for Parent and Child

Practicing Positive Communications for Parent and Child - a collaborative effort from teachers and parents at a parent education meeting.

The following components are necessary for positive communications between parents and children:

· Respect  

1. Human Dignity is enriched and nurtured through communication.

2. Adults need to model gentle, caring communications with each interaction.

3. Our children are watching everything we do and listening to everything we say.  They will behave and speak as we do. 

· Brevity and Clarity

1.  Step away from upsetting situations to calm yourself. 

2.  Decide ahead of time what will be said.

3.  Make statements that don't end with O.K.?
4. Be very clear with your expectations

5.  Say it in less than 3 short sentences.   ( When more words are used the more confused your child gets)

·Consistency

1.  If you say something whether positive or negative make sure that you follow through with it.  Keeping a promise….or keeping a consequence insures that your child will respect you when you ask them to do something next time.

·  Interruptions

1. Help your child know ahead of time that you are going to be working…

2. Lay out and discuss the rules or guidelines before you start so it is very clear what is needed by you.

3. Prepare your child for anything they might need. 

4. Create quiet hand signals that your child can use if an interruption is truly needed.  Make sure it is understood what might be considered an appropriate interruption.

· Eye Contact

1. Always ask for a child’s eye contact when speaking to them about something that is important.  If they can’t give you the contact it is a good chance they are not listening.  Always ask for a response.

· Response

1. Have your child repeat what the instructions are so that you know they understood you.  If they can’t remember then they need to be told again perhaps in a different way.

The following ideas were brought to us by parent suggestions:

-    Manage expectations for the children.

-    During a quiet moment review your child’s behaviors that need attention.

-    List the consequences that match in importance to the behavior.

-    When the behavior occurs always give the child a limited choice of the consequences. 

Use a story format to illustrate what could happen if a child continues with a specific behavior or communication style. 

Peace Rose/ Peace Stick to negotiate interruptions.

            Hand it back and forth.  The person holding the peace rose talks and the other person listens.  The listener responds when the speaker hands the rose back to them.

Stay Calm and if possible neutral !

Children need the time to vent, calm and then express themselves coherently.  Tantrums need to be acknowledged, monitored indirectly, and then talked about afterwards.   Some questions to ask would be: “What would have been a better way to get your needs met? “ 

Use of the couch - When children reach the age of rationalizing (about 4 ½ on up) parents can utilize their living room couch for communicating individuals needs and upsets.   During times of sibling conflict put one child on each end.  Let them know you are listening (to maintain safety).  Give them ten minutes (I suggest setting a timer) to resolve their own issues and discuss it.  If they can’t resolve it let them know you will resolve the issue but that it is almost a guarantee that they won’t like your solution.  As they talk be thinking about what consequence for both of them that you might have to use.  If one child refuses to talk have that child stay on the couch until they decide they are ready to speak openly.  The other child gets to leave until invited back to finish the conversation.

Family meeting time: Once a week over a meal or after a meal everyone gets to meet and say things that are making them happy or upsetting them about “family life” the entire family then brainstorms how to make things work better for all.